Book Summary: "On Self-Hatred" by The School of Life

The book in brief

This short book is a treatise on how self-hatred - a simple notion - can underpin a lot of mental illness and how we might go about addressing it. There's discussion of where it stems from and how to change our perspective so that we can be more accepting of ourselves and reduce our anguish.

The book in 3 words

Discomfort
Self-exploration
Profound

Why am I reading this book?

I occasionally find myself watching The School of Life videos on YouTube and was browsing their back catalogue of books and resources and thought I'd try reading one of their books. This title seemed the most intriguing to me.

Impressions

The book, like The School of Life videos, is written in a compelling way but it is flowery - a tone that seems to match the British middle-class accent that accompanies most of the videos. It can be a bit pretentious at times but is also often evocative and works at hammering a point home.

Like other The School of Life content, it's quite compact and to the point. So it makes for a speedy read. It also covers systematically a lot of different aspects of how self-hatred impacts people and where it might stem from. So it is useful reading it from a general perspective and taking what you think might be useful for you. Also, there's helpful hints on how to deal with others that suffer these afflictions so it works as a read for broader interest or for those wanting to understand others in their life who they think suffer from low self-esteem.

Because it focuses on self-hatred as the common theme, I found it a bit reductive in parts as it is compels us to seeing self-hatred as the source of all that is bad and views self-love akin to self-aggrandising (I would argue that cultivating feelings and practices of self-love are an essential part of fostering self-acceptance). Some nuance would have been welcome. For instance: is self-doubt always the same as self-hatred?

The book works best when trying to raise awareness in you - which it does effectively - rather than providing fixes. Although it discusses solutions and pathways for improvement, self-limiting beliefs and viewpoints are notoriously difficult to unlodge (or even uncover) so it is likely to be an area for most people that requires dedicated work, learning and persistence beyond the confines of this book.

Top 3 quotes

"The cure for self-hatred does not lie in heightening self-love, but in fostering self-acceptance"

"It is the sign of immense psychological privilege to know how to be ordinary"

"...the properly self-loving person isn't the one who congratulates themselves when they have pulled off an astonishing feat; it's the one who knows how to speak to themselves in a kind voice when it has all gone wrong..."

Main takeaways

• Self-hatred underpins a lot of common mental struggles
• Self-hatred is often elusive and hard to spot
• So much of our self-image is shaped by our childhood experiences and caregivers
• Self-acceptance is even more challenging nowadays where it is easier than ever to compare yourselves to very high achievers and when culturally we are constantly being bombarded by messages telling us to 'be more'

Notes

I Introduction

"The cure for self-hatred does not lie in heightening self-love, but in fostering self-acceptance"

This is an interesting stance. The book considers self-hatred as being fuelled by perfectionism. The antidote to this is not 'self-love' which might be self-serving and project unrealistic and insecure projections of ourselves, but actually self-acceptance - a willingness to embrace the fact that we are and will always be imperfect. This imperfection is fundamental to being human - it isn't something we can overcome.

Fundamentally, self-hatred stems from a sense we picked up in childhood/adolescence about what we should be like and not meeting those expectations.

II Audit

Self-hatred often hides and isn't noticed by us.

A simple litmus test to determine whether self-hatred afflicts you is to see how you respond to a series of (extreme) statements such as 'I am physically repulsive', 'I am bound to fail', 'I don't deserve much sympathy'. If you resonate even a little bit with any of these (or similar) statements then the book will be worthwhile exploration for you.

III The Consequences of Self-Hatred

The consequences of self-hatred, however subliminal and unconscious, are severe, multiple and often misunderstood.

It is found in the following behaviours:

1. Relentless high achievement
2. Masochistic in romantic partnerships (seeking out subpar partners and avoiding relationships that would be good for us)
3. Becoming very concerned about our looks.
4. Shyness
5. Impostor syndrome
6. People pleasing
7. Anxiety
8. Perfectionism
9. Grandiosity
10. Overwhelmed by criticism
11. Suicidality

Here are my summaries of what I thought were the most notable sections:

Relentless high achievement is indicative of trying to achieve success in order to 'escape the humiliation of their true selves'. Because we can't accept ourselves as we are, we have to meet other modes of validation to escape what we feel deep down about ourselves. However, constantly seeking achievement won't break the loop because deep down we won't accept ourselves as we are (as we will constantly strive for more).
Masochistic in romantic partnerships. By this they mean that we end up seeking out partners who aren't a good fit for us and that we will tend to push away people who are genuinely affectionate and loving towards us and label them as 'dull'. They would be “uninclined to think as badly of us as we think of ourselves, or unlikely to make us suffer in the way we need to suffer in order to feel we are receiving the sort of attention that befits us.”
Becoming very concerned about our looks. A symptom of placing emphasis on external standards and not feeling good about our own self-image. “Feeling ugly stems from a deficit of love, not of beauty.” (often stemming from a lack of acceptance from others in childhood)
Impostor syndrome. Particularly befalls people who struggle with taking on new, bigger responsibilities. Although it may seem to them that they aren't able to do things, they are actually guilty of having too narrow and strong a focus on their mistakes rather than having a more balanced view. This will mean that they tend to spot their own weaknesses and not realise that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
People pleasing. This quality arises in people who in their childhood might have had a parent who was ruthless around views different to their own or by a parent who became easily overwhelmed by the slightest sign of protest.
Perfectionism. The output of perfectionism isn't the problem, it's rather that the doing of the perfectionism is damaging. Perfectionists aren't really interested in perfect work but rather in the work of perfecting themselves "to escape from a feeling of being awful people". Ultimately, we just want to feel acceptance, but working harder can't rectify the poor impression we have of ourselves.
Grandiosity. Interestingly enough and counterintuitively self-hatred is an even more potent ingredient for grandiosity. "Outsized regard for oneself is not the outcome of boundless self-love, it is the diseased flower of a terrified, self-doubting mind".

This chapter also highlights how we might help others who might be suffering. For example for someone with impostor's syndrome, we shouldn't jump to highlighting their qualities (as this would just provide temporary relief) but we should accept their doubts and then permit them to see how normal these are (as ultimately, sitting with the discomfort of not being perfect is what will help them grow in the long term).

IV The Origins of Self-Hatred

This chapter largely focuses on how self-hatred stems from parenting flaws (ones which are often rooted in systemic and trauma-bound histories).

Small children will always question themselves rather than their caregiver for issues or neglect that they are experiencing (especially if the caregiver is charming to other people or successful in their career), so naturally they turn any emotional injuries into dislike of themselves. We should identify these maladaptive notions and direct our focus and hurt towards those people who didn't meet all our caring needs rather than casting the net of negativity on ourselves.

Another key idea here is that the emotional neglect being discussed doesn't have to be harrowing or horrific to count as neglect. It might be as simple as repeated instances of a parent not taking interest in a child's drawing. A fully supported child will get a sense that it pleases it's parents just by existing.

One other factor that affects our dynamic with ourselves is our western socio-cultural ideals and culture of the self-made man (and all the other mental trappings of capitalism) where we are, the vast majority of the time, destined to fail (and feel bad about ourselves).

We need to develop enough self-belief to realise that it's not our fault!

V The Art of Self-Acceptance

To become more accepting of ourselves and to remedy our symptoms, we need to first uncover and name our difficulties with ourselves. We need to become 'historians of our emotions' - that way we will realise we developed a dislike for ourselves and that it wasn't always this way. This is difficult and may take a long time. Particularly as often we'll have to re-experience the pain and emotions that we've got so good at running away from or covering up.

"Part of the process of overcoming self-hatred involves learning more about what love really is, so that we can detect its absence in the way we treat ourselves and start to nurture and honour its presence in our hearts."

People who are hard on themselves tend to have a Romantic view of love, which is unhelpful as it suggests that love is a prize for someone's achievements or strengths. Another way to look at love is through the lens of weakness, empathy and compassion - essentially, we have to learn to be vulnerable and to appreciate vulnerability. We also have to apply this outlook to ourselves and learn to be kinder to ourselves, and also appreciate that luck - something beyond our control - plays a large part in our lives.

Finally, we should avoid ruminating on comparisons with others or our past self. It can be helpful to do this a bit in order to learn but it is important we move on and don't get stuck in rumination and regret - again we should prioritise compassion for our selves (and past selves). Why? It is a fact that we are human and therefore flawed. It's easy to feel wronged by this but we can learn to view this as a loveable human aspect of ourselves (that we share with absolutely everyone!).

To heal, we have to become less trusting of everything our minds, instincts and moods are telling us, as they might be programmed in a maladaptive way from our early experiences. So we should question thoughts and feelings that come up. We should accept them but realise that they don't have to dictate our reality and that we should take some time to examine our thoughts each day in this way and recognise that our external environment, acitons and connections influence how we feel profoundly.

VI Towards a More Self-Accepting Life

By looking towards a point where we might consider ourselves changed or healed, we can think about the requirements of that process. For instance, it is inevitable that at some points we will fall back into disliking ourselves. We should allow that to happen with compassion as otherwise we are doomed to a negative spiral of self-hatred again. We would be mindful that this change would have taken time and would have been influenced by the people we hang out with, what we spend our time on and what we consume. Ultimately, the authors are point out that it isn't a straightforward or quick process and will require self-compassion and acceptance about the ups and downs of change and healing.